On January 26th we found out that we will be having a baby! It was actually the same day we closed on our house! Heavenly Father sure does know how to surprise us.
My hubby and I had decided that we wanted to try and conceive, so I went to see my Dr. to make sure all was well with my baby making abilities. While there the Dr. talked with me about my history and weight and did an exam, and concluded that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I mentioned my diagnoses with PCOS a year ago in this blog post: "This is the hardest time of my life". The Dr. put me on birth control for 6 months to help regulate my periods. PCOS commonly has cysts that develop on one or both ovaries and that is the main cause for the irregular periods and hormone levels being out of wack. The birth control helps to get rid of or make the cysts smaller, which helps your body become more regular. Well the 6 months passed and due to personal reasons we decided to hold off on the gung ho baby making. The Dr. had told me to contact him when either I was pregnant or my periods became irregular.
So I thought that my period had become irregular pretty quickly since getting off the birth control in November, but I took a pregnancy test to rule that option out. I sat there staring at the stick because the first line showed up quickly, but there was this growing wave of faint pink happening towards where the other (positive) line is. I ripped through the packaging trying to find the part that talks about a faint line. I called out to Gabriel to have him look and confirm whether I was seeing things. He came and looked and confirmed that it indeed was becoming a clearer line. We had TWO LINES! Ahhhhh! We just looked at each other like crazy weird happy people still in disbelief and hugged and kissed.
We shared the news with my immediate family that night at dinner. We asked for it to be kept quiet. I had decided to share the news so quickly with my family because I wanted a support system if we lost the baby. I couldn't bear that alone. I'm glad they knew because when we went to the Dr. and had the pee test and blood tests they came back negative (pee test) and very low HCG levels (blood test), so for a couple weeks there was tension on if I was pregnant and then if the baby was even gonna stick. (In that time I took 7 pregnancy tests! Digital and standard line) Turned out I was earlier than they expected based off my last period. Also I had some difficulty with the way I was treated at the Dr's office and lab and so it was an ordeal to find a Dr. I like. I couldn't have gone through that alone, I'm no good at hiding my feelings and needed to confide in my family and have them hold me when I was scared.
We found a Dr. that I love and her nurses have been wonderful thus far. We went in for our first ultrasound on March 12th (I was just over 10 weeks) and were able to see "Baby Rad" for the first time! It was such a relieving moment to see that a baby is indeed in there, and to see baby's heart beat pumping away strong and steady. Gabriel was so cute as he was in awe of seeing the baby move it's arms like crazy, I cried happy relieved tears. The Dr. said that baby looked good and as far as she could tell the baby was developing normally. She also mentioned that we had passed that critical stage and that miscarriage probability had dropped dramatically. So later that day we shared the news on Facebook! lol
I am now 16 weeks and so far things are going well. Morning sickness has passed (thankfully! It was mild but 24/7!) and overall I feel good. I do have some crazy back pain and my carpal tunnel is acting up, but it's manageable. Last week I got to hear baby's heart beat for the first time. It took over 10 mins (forever!) for the nurse to locate the heartbeat, I did my best to stay calm and not jump to the worst conclusion. She even commented on how relaxed I was, and that most patients would've been freaking out. Lol It was sweet to hear the heartbeat and know that baby is doing well. The nurse said the baby was bouncing around, hence the difficulty finding the sound. Both my hubby and I are like, oh crap! we are in for one rambunctious baby! haha
So, apparently this week was/is National Infertility Week. I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately.
While I wouldn't classify myself as infertile, I do know that pregnancy is not something that comes as quickly as I may desire it. I have been married over 4 yrs now and only a yr of that was on birth control (I was on it when we first got married but stopped after 6 months because I didn't like how it made me feel, and then of course the 6 months last year to help me regulate.) and many times we didn't bother with condoms. There were times I thought I might be pregnant only to get that immediate NO on the pregnancy tests. Honestly there were times it felt almost like a joke at how quickly that one line would pop up! So we were honestly surprised when we found out.
Recently I was at a meeting with my mom for her DoTerra business group, and I was sharing that I was pregnant, and talked about my PCOS, and two of the women there started talking to me about their difficulties with PCOS. One was my age and didn't want kids, and the other was younger and very much wants children and her hubby and her have been trying for awhile. It was sad because she was talking with me and I could tell she was trying to figure out what the cure was, and what did I do to get pregnant. I told her I felt that for me birth control and just not stressing about it seemed to have been the trick (and honestly Heavenly Father decided now is the time for me). Sadly she has violent reactions to birth control, so that isn't an option. I felt so aware of her pain.
I know what it is like to cry and feel so empty because I wanted a baby so much. To see my friends and family members have babies, and while so happy for them, it hurt so much. Sometimes I would just want to throw my computer across the room as Facebook would announce pregnancy after pregnancy. To feel the, "Why not me?!" feeling. To worry about each passing year that I didn't conceive. I had honestly started to accept that maybe I wouldn't have my own biological children and had come to accept the idea of maybe adopting, or just being the best aunt and teacher to my nieces and nephews and kids I meet in my life.
I am grateful that I have an understanding, so therefore maybe I can be more sensitive to those going through infertility.
I still worry constantly of losing my baby. I try not to complain too much, because I know soooooo many women would LOVE to go through every hard part of pregnancy just to have a child of their own. I don't want to be that annoying person that posts about nothing but baby, but I will allow myself to enjoy this moment in my life and I will share. I also will understand those that may have to distance themselves for awhile as my joy brings up their pain.
If you are suffering through infertility I feel for you. I pray for you. I know how heavy of a burden it can be. You have my love and my support.