Friday, January 11, 2013

Let's Talk About SEX....Buffy, and my case for marriage

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So the past few night I have been watching Buffy reruns and various cast interviews and behind the scenes stuff. I've always loved the Buffy series. It changed television, it was truly well written and witty, it was a great mix of comedy, drama, and horror. The first 3 seasons have always been my favorite, and I finally realized why. They are the most fun. After that the character Buffy really began her shift to a more somber person. She quickly became more insecure and unsure of herself. Towards the later seasons she became almost one note. There weren't as many quipy fun loving one liners. All she did was worry. Even Sarah Michelle Gellar expressed Buffy's shift in mood in an interview. Want to know what I blame for this shift?


Now you'll say,"But Paige she had sex with Angel in season 2! And she stayed fun to watch." And I will reply,"Yes, yes she did." But contrast the Buffy that sleeps with Angel and the Buffy that sleeps with Parker in season 4, and you will see the shift in her persona. With Angel she had loved him, she was secure in his feelings for her, he loved her. (Now I know he goes bad and it becomes all sorts of teen angsty after that) With Parker it was a false sense of intimacy, she didn't know him, there was no history or background to grow from, and he ultimately used her.

I use Buffy as an example of things I have witnessed in my own life with friends and with myself. When I was in high school I had a friend who was so fun and we were young and carefree. Our junior year she had sex with her boyfriend. I remember that all of the sudden she had so many worries, from, "Does he love me?" to "Am I pregnant?" Heavy stuff. She lost her innocence. She lost herself. She became insecure. Soon she and that boyfriend broke up, she was devastated, she dated other guys, she had sex with these guys, and it was this constant circle of validation through the physical. It was sad to see.

I myself became intimately involved with a boyfriend when I was in my early 20's. I was head over heels in love. I let my emotions and my body move too fast. He was my first anything besides your basic makeout session. Because of the intimacy we had shared my feelings for him grew, and I was blind sided when his didn't. I was heart broken, I couldn't believe I had given him so much of myself. I had crossed this barrier and I didn't know how to get back to who I had been. After that I didn't know how to say."No." to men. I was in a very low place. For 5 years I loathed who I was, I used the physical to "validate" my worth. But all it did was tear me down and leave me feeling cheap and used. I often had thoughts of suicide, I cried myself to sleep, I wrote angsty poetry, I felt out of place. At first the "rush" or "high" of  "hooking up" with a guy would last for awhile, I wouldn't feel bad till later. Quickly though it became shorter and shorter, to where I would be in the middle of things and thinking, "What am I doing? This is wrong. You're better than this. STOP!" or "I hate myself. I'm worthless. Who cares? This guy doesn't care about you, why should you care about you?" The later was usually the train of thought. Towards the end though I knew I was better than my actions, and that they needed to change.

I had been taught my whole life that I was of the highest worth. I was a Child of God. I had responsibilities to uphold my standards because of the knowledge I had. I had made a commitment to myself to not only save sex for marriage, but everything else. To respect myself and respect my body.

I felt like I was letting my Heavenly Father down, I was letting myself down. I finally hit bottom. I wanted to change. I wanted more from my life, I deserved more. I set a plan in motion to pull myself up. I shared things with those that I loved. I had support. I also met a man that respected me. He helped me respect myself. He respected me, BECAUSE I was respecting myself. That man became my husband.

The difference in intimacy is profound. I feel safe, I know he loves me, I love him, there is a commitment unlike any other relationship. It is spiritual, it is pure and sweet.

Within marriage you should be able to feel free with your spouse. To share a love that can not always be spoken. It takes work, but it is soooo worth it.

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  1. Your insights are so awesome. You are an amazing woman! I love YOU!

  2. Beautiful, Paige. Every young woman should read this post and write your closing clarity on her wall. "He respected me because I was respecting myself..."

    Beautiful!! Tfank you for your honesty in your feelings. I love you.

  3. Wow, you state so clearly what I know and feel. Beautifully written, every young woman should know this... should read this!

  4. Thanks y'all! So glad it touched y'all. Love you too!